The power of saying no (and setting boundaries)
How do you feel when you hear the word boundaries? For some it’s an innocent term, and something they give little thought to. Interacting with others in a way that feels safe and comfortable comes naturally and they have no problem establishing clear parameters around what they will and won’t accept.
But for a large percentage of people, just the thought of setting boundaries creates an immediate sense of unease. They feel anxious, uncertain and fearful that communicating their wants and needs will incur judgement or create conflict. This is problematic because personal boundaries are a crucial part of everyday life. They are the limits we apply in all of our relationships, whether that’s with our children, family, friends, bosses or colleagues. We even need boundaries with our pets.
How we feel about establishing boundaries is largely to do with personality type. There are a few types who find it a challenge; for example, those who make other people responsible for taking care of their needs, those who prioritise other’s needs ahead of their own, and those whose fear of rejection can lead to people-pleasing. In general, people with fewer boundaries tend to have lower self-esteem. Even though the ability to set boundaries comes easier to some people than others, thankfully it’s a skill that we can practice and develop, helping us to forge better connections and a stronger sense of self.
The role of boundaries at work
If it’s something you struggle with, then boundaries can be especially hard at work. You’re surrounded by many different types of people who may have different communication styles from your own, you want to be valued based on performance, and you naturally want to protect your job. In this situation, you might be scared of saying ‘no’ in case it’s seen as a reflection of your capabilities.
You assume that constantly being available will help you get ahead, however, always saying yes can soon compromise the quality of your work. If you don’t prioritise your time, you start to feel out of control and overwhelmed, which can have an impact on everything from memory and concentration to problem-solving and decision-making skills. Plus, your co-workers will continue to take advantage, placing greater demands on you when you don’t speak out.
It was Warren Buffet who said: “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”
Ultimately what he’s talking about is the importance of setting boundaries so that you have space to fulfil your potential. Once you put boundaries in place, you will feel more in control. Your self-confidence will grow and external factors start to change when you know your worth and take responsibility for it.
Getting better at setting boundaries
The first step is to understand what’s important and define your limits. Think about:
- What are my limits?
- What do they mean to me?
- How can I set boundaries in my life so that I can communicate them clearly in a way that reflects my worth?
Then, delve a little deeper into why boundaries make you uncomfortable by asking:
- Which values and moral concepts were conveyed to me (by family, friends, and colleagues), and which ones do I continue to live with today? Are there any that currently no longer fit?
- Am I afraid of rejection, and what happens if I say no now?
- Do I often have trouble saying “no” since I am afraid of conflict, and if so, why?
- How much am I worth to myself?
- What are the consequences for me and others if I relay my boundaries in a friendly determined manner?
It’s important to know that other people’s behaviour mostly depends on what they assume your expectations are. That’s why you need to be as precise as possible and ask them to do the same.
In a toxic work environment, it can be daunting to initiate dialogue with team members, but don’t be deterred. Open communication is essential and that means making sure the other party understands your message clearly. Put your point across and ask them to validate it by confirming what they heard – this enables you to address any misunderstanding. If a boss is proving hard to convince, find a compromise that you will both benefit from and highlight what’s in it for them.
When it gets to the stage that a relationship has broken down you need to determine if the other person is committed to repairing and maintaining it. If not, then it’s time to acknowledge that even if you do set reasonable boundaries, they are not in a position to uphold them like you deserve. In that case, you may choose to change the situation you’re in to be in alignment with your limits.
The more we understand that boundaries don’t impede our joy but preserve it the better. When situations are clear and our interactions defined, relationships improve. Likewise, when we realise that boundaries aren’t set in stone and can shift according to new experiences and developments, we hesitate less about setting them. Boundaries aren’t linked to right or wrong, they are an essential way of avoiding misunderstanding and nurturing mutually beneficial relationships built on respect.
Top takeaways
- People with fewer boundaries usually struggle with self-esteem
- Setting boundaries is a skill we can practice and develop
- A lack of boundaries can leave you feeling overwhelmed and anxious
- Boundaries make our expectations for each other clearer, improving relationships
- Always be open and precise when communicating your needs
Author: Alfred Gull, Clinical Psychologist at the German Neuroscience Center
